


Only 20 Minutes to Sleep (But You Dream of Some Epiphany)

by BritishEarper



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Mentioned Becca Gilroy, Religious Guilt, Soft Toni Shalifoe, Suicide mention, all of the girls need therapy, but it's mostly fluff, but like only a little, just our girls being in love and processing, this is what happens when you listen to a bunch of phoebe bridgers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29902176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BritishEarper/pseuds/BritishEarper
Summary: They were cycling through the streets. The warm, damp air rushed towards them and made Toni’s coat flap in the wind. The bike shook a little as it passed over the cobblestones. Toni held onto Shelby a little stronger. She felt like her anchor.orPost-island Shelby and Toni go on a trip to Valencia, Spain. Cuteness and processing ensues.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	Only 20 Minutes to Sleep (But You Dream of Some Epiphany)

**Author's Note:**

> I should note that the speech in italics and brackets is Becca, whereas the stuff in just italics is Shelby or Toni depending on the POV.  
> Also, they are about 20 in this fic.
> 
> Enjoy :)

The cobblestones under Shelby’s feet were smooth, worn with time. Her sandal-clad feet slipped a little on them as she walked. The world stretched and blended around the edges of her vision. The streetlights gave out warm orange rays, flushed the street with soft colour. The light looked like a snapshot of itself stuck in time.

Inside her brain, it was loud and aggressive. Shelby hunched over a little, like a flower breaking under the weight of the rain.

_Shut up-_

The gutters opposite her gurgled; they added a little sound to the silence. Outside of the streetlamp’s colour the world was pitch black. The air was warm, and buffeted her dress a little. She felt goosebumps on her legs appear.  
Shelby lay the bottle of alcohol on the side of the pavement. She was tired of feeling. Just, tired. She lay her face in her hand and steadied herself; she had felt a retch come up. After about a minute, it went down again. Her head hurt.

_Why did you do this?_

_Shut up! Shut up!_

She folded herself into as small a space as possible. Her arms embraced the other shoulder.  
As she cradled herself, she felt the ghost of an embrace around her body. She leaned into the sensation of her. The feeling travelled all over her shoulders and down her spine. It almost tickled. She swigged a little more vodka. The burning in her throat hurt. Honestly, that was part of the reason for her drinking.  
She fell asleep quickly. She didn’t dream.

Over the houses and hills the sun came up. Shelby’s eyes filled with its light. As she woke up, she heard the waves of the ocean miles away and felt the salt on the sea breeze. The houses above her were painted a deep yellow, the windows on the second floor open like wounds.

“Shelby. I found you.” Toni ran up to her, reached for her desperately, before eyeing her warily. She was wearing black trousers with a blue-and-white button down. Shelby remembered that she used to pride herself on its fit, tucking in the shirt, adjusting the collar countless times. Her shirt was now all askew, and flapped in the wind like a flag without its mast.  
.  
“What’s going on, Shelbs?”

She realised how she must look, slumped over in a residential area, half-empty bottle of vodka next to her, makeup ruined. Not to mention Toni was probably used to finding others like this.

_She doesn’t deserve me.  
(You should tell her. Please.) _  
“It’s the anniversary of Becca’s death.” 

“Shit.” 

“Yeah.” Shelby said and chuckled, humourless. Her eyes were vacant.

“I am so sorry that that happened.” Toni’s voice was slow, deliberate. “But you know, sitting here drinking won’t bring her back. I’m sorry, believe me, I know how much it sucks, but it won’t. She’d want you to live." She continued, voice cracking a little, "Please don’t run off again.” 

Her affection swelled, warm in her chest. God, she loved Toni. She leaned her head on her shoulder, inhaling the scent of Toni. She heard the quiet creaking of Toni’s shoulder joint as her arm moved back and forth, settling itself. Her shirt was very soft. Toni, Toni, Toni.

“Can we maybe get some food?” Shelby asked. Toni nodded at this, stood up, and gently grasped Shelby’s hands so that she also got to moving.

“Sure. Maybe we should freshen up first, though?”

They ended up at a café, eating open sandwiches with the sun shining down on them. Toni felt very relaxed now that the adrenaline of losing Shelby had worn off. The sun made it all the more calming. Her shirt was freshly washed, pressed, tucked in and a little scratchy against her skin. The fact that she didn’t understand Spanish also meant that all the background noise just sounded like white noise. 

_Shit, maybe I should have learned some._

“Can we talk about something else?”

Toni nodded. Shelby was sipping a Coke. She wore a white, flowy dress and sunhat. Her eyes were still a little red.

“So, what’s the plan for today?” Toni asked. Shelby exhaled and smiled gratefully before pulling out two tickets.

The river beneath their boat was a deep blue. It lapped at the boat quietly, disturbed ever so often by the drips that came from the stalagmites. Toni shivered a little. A droplet had hit her back and was trailing down it. It felt like a cold finger. Her shirt clung a little to her where the water had been.

_Wait, is it stalagmites or stalactites?_  
_Wait, who the fuck cares?_

It smelled musty. The guide was narrating the history of the caverns, and Shelby and Toni sat in the corner of the boat, leaning on one another. The caves were lit up, and the water was green.

They were cycling through the streets. The warm, damp air rushed towards them and made Toni’s coat flap in the wind. The bike shook a little as it passed over the cobblestones. Toni held onto Shelby a little stronger. She felt like her anchor.  
They passed street after street, all lit in orange. The night sky opened up over them as they passed from the tightly-packed streets to the open harbour. It was full of stars and the moon. The silhouettes of boats passed them, bobbing gently on the water. They drove through a group of pigeons who flew away in a flock from them.

They then stopped at the ice-cream place and ate in the stark white light of the cafe with small neon plastic spoons. They rounded the harbour and cut back to their flat.

Shelby and Toni lay in bed together, Toni curled on top of her. Her ear was on her chest, listening to Shelby’s heartbeat. Its regularity soothed her. She shifted her head a little. They were both comfortably naked, covered by a thin duvet.

“Toni?”

“Hmmm.” Toni said sleepily. She felt very warm and content in Shelby’s arms. Her skin was very soft. The window was open so that ocean sounds came into their room. It was dark.

“What made you stop shaving?”

Toni shifted so that she was lying next to Shelby. Their legs stayed intertwined. Her voice was quiet as she said, “I don’t know. I'm not sure that that was a conscious decision. I never really shaved that much anyways. I never felt the pressure to.” She traced figures in Shelby’s arm. She knew that there was more to come from her.

Shelby turned her head to meet Toni’s eyes. Her eyes were dark. Toni could practically hear her heart rate increase, so she went first.

“Shelby, you know I’d support you no matter what, right?” They clasped each other’s hands.

“I don’t know if I still want to. There was just such a pressure before, you know?” She said quickly. Shelby’s tone made it sound like an admission of guilt, hushed so that Toni might miss it.

Toni cradled Shelby in her arms and said, “You don’t have to. You never have to do anything you don’t want to. I would never love you less because you want to explore yourself.” Toni’s hair spilled over the headboard in black waves. Shelby traced over some of the strands in her fingers. Her voice was strong as she said, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Toni kissed her head and cheek and felt the edges of her consciousness fade and blur. Sleep came shortly after.

The next day they walked around the Cathedral. It smelled of wax and dust and was much cooler than the oppressive heat that they had left. The stonework arched and reached far above their heads as though reaching for the heavens, and all around there were paintings of saints. 

Toni had to admit it was impressive. She didn’t believe in any of it, but seeing how much people had paid and worked in order to build something that was for more than just themselves was impactful. She kept an eye on Shelby, but mostly walked around on her own. 

The paintings were full of faded colour and beautiful landscapes, full of life (even if they mostly showed old bald white dudes, Toni’s least favourite group of people). There were paintings of all sizes and some statues. Their stone eyes observed her walking with cool indifference, immobilised in time. The floor was made up of cool, grey stone. Toni kept on strolling with her hands in her pockets. Feeling the thin material of her trouser pockets was very relaxing.

She spotted Shelby standing off to the side by the statue of The Virgin Mary and walked over.

_Fuck, Shelby will be so proud that I know her name._

They stood side by side for a minute until Shelby broke the silence.

“You know, I used to ask God every day why Becca died.” Her voice was vacant and wavered on Becca’s name as she reached for Toni’s hand. She fiddled with her cross necklace with the other hand.

Her throat bobbed. “And I…never got an answer.” She shook her head and turned her head to face Toni. “Now I’m not sure what I think. I mean, if she did that to herself, it wasn’t really His fault, right?” She looked at Toni, waiting for an answer.

_What if it was my fault_ was left unsaid. Toni heard it anyways.

“I honestly don’t know, Shelby. Religion is very messy. You know that first hand. But if she did choose to end her life, I can’t imagine any higher being making her do that. We are responsible for our own actions. It's not like God can force you to do that, you know?”

After a couple of moments, Toni continued, “Therapy definitely helped me. You know, we all saw some pretty fucked up stuff when we were out there. And you had stuff before the island too. Maybe you should consider it too?” Shelby nodded and ran her hands through her hair.  
“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

They walked in quiet, contemplative silence for a while before they both tired of the art and architecture. 

Shelby definitely felt better after talking to Toni. Her grief had shifted from something born of pain to a softer place.  
_I probably should have talked to her sooner about you._  
_(I’m proud you did)._  
Becca’s voice in her head now brought comfort.

Shelby and Toni slept soundly that night, embraced in one another.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave kudos/comments, they are very appreciated :)


End file.
